Tag Archives: loneliness

Learning to Hear Everything

“People notice when he’s imitating a horn or a bass, but he’s also singing like water, like rain, singing like a piece of wood, or like a plate cracking on the floor . . . . These are all available to him. All these sounds, because he’s just always aware . . . . In life, he’s always observing things. [And] he doesn’t just see everything. He hears everything.” – Marcus Miller (on Al Jarreau, in Kurt Dietrich’s “Never Givin’ Up: The Life and Music of Al Jarreau,” p. 321)

When Jody and I moved to Malibu (the first time) in 2008, like countless others before and since, we experienced the welcome embrace of Hung and Corinne Le. We quickly felt like family as we shared many a meal in the Le home alongside so many others that received similar treatment. On one of our initial visits Hung said that when he first heard about this couple, “Al-and-Jody,” what he kept hearing was, “Al Jarreau.” So before long, we became known to the Le family as the Jarreaus, not the Sturgeons. It would crack us up when “the Jarreaus” would be invited over for dinner, or while there, hear Hung ask to get a picture of “the Jarreaus” before the evening ended.

You can imagine my reaction several months ago now when the opportunity to move to Wisconsin to work at Ripon College became a real possibility and I stumbled upon a list of the College’s famous alums and saw the name: Al Jarreau. I just had to laugh.

Everyone in my generation heard of Al Jarreau. Ten Grammy awards, sure, but it seemed like he was constantly on television for something or other during the Eighties: singing the theme song for the hit show, Moonlighting; wedging his contribution to the epic “We Are the World” performance between Willie Nelson and Bruce Springsteen; performing his hit song, “We’re In this Love Together.” Even I, a sports-obsessed teenager that paid little attention to the music industry, knew his name.

In our many moves, I developed a habit of reading some facet of an area’s history once we arrived. I read “The Age of Gold: The California Gold Rush and the New American Dream” by H.W. Brands when we lived in California. In Nashville, it was “The Children” by David Halberstam. In Illinois, it was “Life of Black Hawk” as dictated by the Sauk leader himself. Anticipating Wisconsin, I noticed someone had recently published a biography on Al Jarreau, and I knew that I had to track it down once there.

Well, I didn’t have to try very hard. On one of my first visits to First Congregational Church of Ripon, I happened to sit next to Kurt Dietrich, a retired music professor from Ripon College who decided to become Al Jarreau’s posthumous biographer in his retirement. And I soon learned that Professor Dietrich would give a presentation on his book at the Ripon Public Library. Jody and I not only attended but I also received an autographed copy of the book, which he graciously addressed to his “new friend Al.”

I finished reading it this morning and thoroughly enjoyed every page. Anyone with even a passing interest in Al Jarreau, or music in general, or stories of incredibly gifted human beings with fascinating journeys, will be glad that they tracked down a copy.

I also read Isabel Wilkerson’s “Warmth of Other Suns” recently, a brilliant history of The Great Migration of Black citizens from the American South during Jim Crow, so I recognized that Al Jarreau was yet another example of an enormously influential Black musician from places like Chicago (e.g., Nat King Cole; Sam Cooke; Quincy Jones) and Detroit (e.g., Aretha Franklin; Diana Ross; Stevie Wonder) whose very genius emanated from people having the courage to flee the racial terror of the South in hopes of better lives for their families. Jarreau’s family story included parents that left Alabama for Chicago with subsequent stops in both Flint and Indianapolis before eventually settling in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where Al was born and raised.

Although my journey is so, so different, there were several personal connections in the book that made me wish that I had paid far more attention to Al Jarreau along the way. For starters of course, we both had unlikely journeys to Ripon College, but we also made major moves to Southern California that transformed our lives. I also smiled when I noticed that a musician named Willie Weeks played bass on Jarreau’s second album, and I remembered that it was Weeks who later in his career gave my childhood friend, Jon Conley, his big break in Nashville. I also learned that Jarreau’s last concert was in Austin, Texas, where my youngest daughter now lives, and sadly learned that when Jarreau went to the hospital with the illness that took his life in early 2017, he did so in Thousand Oaks, California, where our oldest daughter now lives.

But beyond the coincidences that provided small feelings of connection to this musical legend, I experienced a deeper connection that comes from the work of a good biographer like Professor Dietrich.

For as long as I can remember, I have had a million friends while still feeling a strong sense of loneliness that is hard to describe. I suspect that on a much larger level that describes the life of Al Jarreau.

Everyone felt drawn to Al Jarreau, but he never truly fit into a recognized box. He fit in everywhere, and nowhere. He had a smile and positivity that lit up wherever he happened to be, but he defied easy categorization. He was so loved at Ripon College, but he was nowhere near the typical Ripon College student. He was a phenomenal musical talent, but no one could decide if he was a jazz artist, or pop artist, or R&B artist. He was an incredible human being with extraordinary gifts that was one of a kind, which sounds like a compliment but might be easier to admire than to be.

What I learned about Al Jarreau the musician is that he had an incredible gift for live performance in part due to his magnetic personality, but also because of his unique improvisational ability. Professor Dietrich shared a story from tour director Jerry Levin about a concert in St. Louis in 1978: “Halfway through the concert, a severe thunderstorm materialized, and the power in the venue went out. Although crew and concert organizers went out to see about cranking up a generator and salvaging the concert, the power had gone out in that entire part of the city. As the promoters and Levin began negotiating about refunding ticket prices to the audience, Al started singing all alone on the stage. The band’s percussionist passed out instruments to band members. Audience members got out lighters and flashlights from their purses and backpacks, bathing the room with a kind of a warm glow. Al finished the set, singing seven or eight songs a cappella. At one point, he sat on the edge of the stage. Several rows back, there was a couple with a small child. The youngster was brought up to the stage, where he sat on Al’s knee, and Al sang directly to the boy. Levin finished the story by saying, ‘I don’t think anybody that was there will [ever] forget it.'”

I wasn’t there, but just by reading about it I don’t think I will forget it either.

But what showcased his improvisational abilities, as musician Marcus Miller described, was a special voice that could sound like anything and everything, which wowed his concert audiences. The quote from Miller near the end of the biography really struck me: Jarreau could do this especially well because he paid attention to everything. He listened to everything. He was fully and constantly aware.

That’s what was in my mind as I closed the book on the life of Al Jarreau this morning. I, too, would like to be fully aware, having learned the secret of how to listen to everything. I don’t have Al Jarreau’s unique voice, so I’m not referring to recreating actual sounds in a stage performance of course. No, I’m just imagining the magic of the self-aware life. Maybe it’s a foolish wish, but it sounds like it might even help with loneliness.

I’m glad that Hung Le refers to us as the Jarreaus. I’m glad that we moved to Ripon College and met Professor Dietrich so that I can feel a deeper connection to Al Jarreau through reading his life story. But mostly, I’m glad that all of the above has led me to commit to listening to everything better.

As I Sit Writing

William-Faulkner-quote

It is kind of cool to say that I read Jesmyn Ward before reading William Faulkner, but as a former Mississippian it felt wrong never to have read Faulkner so I purchased As I Lay Dying and devoured it while strapped to an airplane on a recent business trip. Faulkner is a legend, of course, especially so in Mississippi what with his Nobel and multiple Pulitzers and all.

As I Lay Dying is probably Faulkner’s runner-up to The Sound and the Fury for his best-known novel and is most assuredly a depressing story. The pitiful Bundren family’s sad series of misadventures attempting to bury the family matriarch is, well, pity-full, but instead of proceeding straight to therapy upon completing the book I found myself reflecting on Faulkner’s style.

If you remember (and/or care), Faulkner used fifteen different narrators for fifty-nine tiny chapters and a stream of consciousness literary technique that shared the disparate thoughts passing through the minds of his grieving characters. As he did, I found myself noticing and relating to their obvious loneliness, their feelings of detachment from everyone else. Each was so very alone. Alone with his or her thoughts.

I surely get how that feels.

There are many odd things about me, but the one I will share today boys and girls is that for some undetermined reason in my loneliness I regularly write down my inner monologue and share it with the world at large. That is odd, best I can tell. Most people learn to keep their thoughts to themselves, but I presumably was absent that day.

Maybe it is my own meager attempt to defeat loneliness. Or maybe loneliness has liberated me so that I am unafraid to share my inner thoughts.  Or maybe I am just weird. All are valid options.

Regardless, it is what I do, for what it is worth. Welcome to my world. Pull up a chair and stay awhile if you have nothing better to do.

All by Myself

18380808_1524829434235903_6230348940479299584_n(1)“Language . . . has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.” – Paul Tillich

Our kids are grown, and my wife was out of town for the past week.  You do the math.  The house sure was empty.  I read a lot and for some diagnosable reason made the bed each morning and carried on with life’s responsibilities, but since television isn’t my thing and I rarely listen to music, other than the weird times when I carried on a conversation with myself, it sure was quiet around the house.  As they say, too quiet.

I think everyone would agree that loneliness is a terrible thing, but as Tillich noted, the English language makes room for an optimistic approach to time alone and calls it solitude.

Wendell Berry described solitude as the place where “we lose loneliness,” which is just a delightful thought.  He claims it a space where your “inner voices become audible” (tell me about it) and you sense “the attraction of one’s most intimate sources.”  It is a time and place where you reconnect with the inner you.

I don’t always like the inner me, but he deserves notice from time to time, and given the noisiness of this party called life it takes a little work to find the space.  Or your kids grow up and your wife takes a business trip.

When my dad died in 1994, I worried that my mom would be lost every day.  Turned out I was wrong.  When I spoke with her about it, she said, “I’ll be sad from time to time, but I’m not going to let myself be sad all the time.”  And for the eighteen years she had left on this planet, she was right.

Berry concluded that one emerges from solitude more useful to others: “The more coherent one becomes within oneself as a creature, the more fully one enters into the communion of all creatures.”¹

In solitude, I reflected on solitude and concluded that it deserves incorporation into the rhythm of life.  But I’m sure happy to have my wife home again.

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¹ Wendell Berry, “What Are People For?: Essays” 11 (Counterpoint, 1990).

 

Alone but Not Lonely on Valentine’s Day

1“Love cares more for others than for self.” – Paul (1st Corinthians 13, MSG)

Tomorrow, on Valentine’s Day, my beautiful wife will be relaxing in a luxury hotel in Maui, which sounds fabulously romantic except for the fact that I will be at work 2500 miles away.

Sigh…

To explain, our oldest daughter teaches at a school that hosts a major fundraising event each year, and last year’s event included a trip for two to Maui as a raffle prize.  Guess who won?!  Somewhat surprisingly, she chose to take her mother along as her plus one, which I think is fantastic on multiple levels.  My wife thinks it may primarily be so that mom will pay for the non-free portions of the trip, but even if so, it is what we call a “win-win” in the negotiation business.

Except for me, that is, who will be home alone enjoying a meal prepared by my favorite Italian chef, Mr. Chef Boyardee.

In the spirit of planning ahead, my wife and I created another daughter a couple of decades ago on the off-chance that our oldest daughter won a trip for two to Maui and invited her mother along on Valentine’s Day so that I would have another beautiful person to spend time with on such a special holiday.  But that kiddo is 1100 miles away at college in Seattle.

Despite the three beautiful women in my life, I guess that I am destined to be alone this Valentine’s Day.

And yet I am genuinely happy.  Seriously.  No, I like those three human beings as much as you can like anyone ever and would love to spend time with them all, but it is so fun to stop and imagine the memories Jody and Erica will make together in Maui this week as well as how much Hillary enjoys being in Seattle.  Love does that sort of thing to you.  It produces genuine feelings of peace and joy when the objects of your love are blissfully happy without a second thought about what that means for you.

It doesn’t always look so great on paper, but I’m telling you that love is where it’s at.

Thoughts From a Side Show

side-show-2I confess that I primarily attended the Conejo Players Theatre production of Side Show on Saturday evening because my friend and colleague, Randi, had a leading role, which is plenty reason to go because she is uber-talented, but my wife was sick and needed to stay home so I probably would have missed the show had it not featured Randi.

And I confess that Side Show did not have a great run on Broadway.  Its initial run in the 1990s did not catch on, nor did its attempt at revival a couple of years ago, so the name of the musical just doesn’t have much of a draw.

But I’m sure glad I went.

Side Show is a musical loosely based on the lives of conjoined twins, Daisy and Violet Hilton (1908-1969).  It is a sad but important story.  Randi and her “twin” were phenomenal in pulling off their demanding roles—imagine singing/acting/dancing/costume changing with someone literally joined at the hip!  More importantly, they effectively led their audiences to consider what it is like to be a “freak” on display.  Spoiler: It is not a life you would choose.

While we can all relate to feeling different, by very definition most of us spend more time staring at anomalies than being one.  From the homeless to the celebrities to all stops in between, all whose very existence creates material for stand-up comics have a unique challenge in this particular life, and it is easier to point, laugh, stare, critique, and/or avoid them than to pause and consider what it must be like—not to mention pause to get to know, care about, and dare I say love—those unique human beings we prefer to remain as caricatures.

My favorite moment in the musical came at the end of the first act when the twins led the “freaks” in a song titled, “Who Will Love Me As I Am?”  I think that is a question endemic to human existence.  Most of us find a safe and comfortable spot in this world to locate an answer, but not everyone does.

My deep thanks to Randi and the cast of Side Show for reminding me that everyone deserves an answer.

It’s Lonely at the Top, but It’s Not Always Quiet

1My first Los Angeles Rams game came with a free helping of déjà vu when the crowd transformed its booing of starting quarterback Case Keenum into chants of “We want Goff” in reference to Jared Goff, the rookie backup quarterback hoped to be the future of the franchise.  Goff never saw action, but the fans did their best to get him in the game.

I say déjà vu because my wife first gave me NFL tickets in 2006 for a Monday Night Football contest in old Texas Stadium with my great friend, Dave, which happened to be the game when Tony Romo replaced starting quarterback, Drew Bledsoe, after the crowd spent much of the first half chanting Romo’s name.  It was a little awkward for Cowboy Nation that night, not to mention Romo, when his first pass was intercepted after he ran on the field to deafening cheers.  Romo did go on to a great season, however, but I don’t think that would matter either way to the fans in Los Angeles chanting for change a decade later.

It’s lonely at the top, but it’s not always quiet.

Me, I’ve been a coach and a preacher and a dean, three professions that encounter a healthy share of critics, and I know well the convenient criticism that someone else would have made a different and better decision.

I once read that the contents of Abraham Lincoln’s pockets on the night he was assassinated are in some drawer tucked away in the bowels of the Smithsonian, and that among the assorted items is a newspaper clipping that complimented the sitting president, which is particularly interesting once you remember his unpopularity at the time.  It seems that even a great leader like Lincoln needed to remember that his efforts were not entirely unappreciated.

As I sat in the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum a week ago with my lovely wife and listened to the disgruntled fans voice their disgruntled-ness, I thought about what poor Case Keenum should do.  Backpacking across Europe is an option, as is a noise-canceling helmet.  Instead, I suggest that Mr. Keenum keep an encouraging note in his pocket and continue to give everything he has to his work—I don’t think he has to go so far as to avoid the theater.

This Is Life

Flipping through television channels is one of my least favorite things to do, but that is what I was doing Sunday evening when I discovered CNN’s “This is Life with Lisa Ling,” a series that describes itself by saying that Ling “goes on a gritty, breathtaking journey to the far corners of America.” The episode I watched was more grisly than gritty as she journeyed to the L.A. County Coroner’s office (like “This is Death with Lisa Ling”).

The show was creepily captivating—and a little personal since I learned that everyone who dies in L.A. County outside of being in a hospital under physician’s care is taken to the warehouse that Ling toured for the world to see. I live in L.A. County.

I also learned that approximately eleven thousand dead bodies are processed in same warehouse each year, which if you do the math, is a lot. The crazy number is at least understandable since L.A. County is the most populous county in the nation (ten million people!), which is like Arkansas plus Mississippi plus Oklahoma (or, for easy math, the nation of Sweden). But still. That thirty dead people on average show up there every day is just difficult to imagine.

Ling introduced viewers to several employees filling several roles at the Coroner’s, and in so doing, basically walked us through the entire process. In particular, we followed the path of the unidentified dead, from the search for family members to the eventual cremation of those whose families cannot be found.

I mean, it was a fun show. Sort of a new Addams Family!

No, it was heartbreaking. Until, that is…

At the end of the hour, Ling shared that the Coroner’s office periodically hosts a multi-faith service in Evergreen Cemetery to honor the unidentified, which sadly numbered over a thousand at the one featured on our television screen. That part was still heartbreaking. The heart-mending part for me was the point Ling made that although these souls died alone, their ashes are honored in community.

That part—the honoring of all people in community—fits the name of Ling’s show. That is what life is all about if you ask me. Now, if we can just work backward and honor the lonely while they are still alive, we will have arrived at someplace worthwhile.