Tag Archives: raymond carver

Way Up North, Watching

Rotary Island Park, Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan

Not long after arriving in Wisconsin a new colleague mentioned that we should be sure to go “up north” sometime. I found this hilarious. To an Arkansas boy who moved most recently from Southern California, I felt sure that anywhere in Wisconsin was “up north” already. It turns out that there are actually places farther north than my part of Wisconsin, and after two years of living here, Jody and I finally took some vacation days to check it out.

We loved it.

We drove through the “U.P.” (Upper Peninsula of Michigan) and encountered small towns with names like Escanaba and Manistique before crossing the international bridge in “the Soo” (from Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan, to Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario, Canada) to spend several days in a hotel on the Canadian side of the border. In Canada, as folks with noticeable accents of our own, we enjoyed hearing the wait staff at restaurants say “eh” and “youse guys” and “soar-ee,” and we took a day-long train trip even farther north — 114 miles into the Canadian wilderness — where we hiked in spectacular Agawa Canyon Park. On the Michigan side with the “yoopers” (aka Michiganders from the U.P.), we feasted on “pasties” (pronounced, “pass-tees), which I would describe as a delicious pot pie that you can hold in your hands like a taco, and we even went for a quick dip in Lake Superior; it was far from a polar plunge, but we counted it as one just the same.

(Oh, and in the touristy gift shops in the Soo, I saw a zillion sweatshirts that featured the words “up north.” There were some that even said “WAY up north,” so it turns out that my original reaction wasn’t so original after all.)

It was the vacation that we needed, but of all the adventures on our trip, my personal favorite turned out to be sitting at Rotary Island Park on the Michigan side watching the ships pass by. We saw the famous “Soo Locks” in action, too, and the entire process of witnessing the massive ships pass through was incredible, but seeing them lumber by up close was the best.

Raymond Carver’s poem, “At Least,” is one of my all-time favorites. The poem features a man watching ships, too, a man who gets up early with his coffee and spends the day observing the action before Carver concludes with these incredible lines:

I want to spend the day watching this happen

and reach my own conclusions.

I hate to seem greedy—I have so much

to be thankful for already.

But I want to get up early one more morning, at least.

And go to my place with some coffee and wait. Just wait,

to see what’s going to happen.

I love that so much for reasons that I cannot explain or even fully comprehend. Somehow Carver captures so beautifully disparate concepts like contemplation, gratitude, contentment, and anticipation, all mixed up in a lovely soup of emotions.

I felt it in Rotary Island Park just the other day.

Well, we did not get up early, and we did not have coffee, and I was not alone, but we witnessed something beautiful, too, something that escorted me into the world of one of my favorite poems. We sat in lawn chairs near the riverbank, I in the shade, and Jody in the sun. When we saw the CSL Laurentien approach, a Canadian ship a couple of football fields long, leaving Sault Ste. Marie on its long voyage to Quebec, we were joined by a handful of others. Two stood on the bank waving a Canadian flag at the crew as they passed. Two others stood together waving and yelling “Thank you!” over and over again, to which we could hear the crew shout back, “You’re welcome!”

I got chills, even on a sunny summer day. To be candid, I am not sure what we witnessed in that moment, not fully understanding what led those people to stand by the river and shout their gratitude toward the passing ship, but to use religious language, just being there at that moment felt like we were witnessing something sacred and holy.

I have lived quite a life. As of lately, I have waded into the waters of Lake Superior “way up north” and the Gulf of Mexico way down south, plus the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans to the east and west. Looking back, I once sat in a billionaire’s living room in his mansion in Delhi, India, and at another time a poor man’s only room in a slum in Nairobi, Kenya. I have seen the lights of Paris and the colors of Rio. I have dined in fancy Beverly Hills as well as in rural gas stations. I have seen both birth and death. I have loved and been loved, and I have lost people that I loved. I have succeeded, and I have failed. I have pushed through, and I have started over. I have experienced so much. My life is already full any way you slice it.

Like Carver, it feels obscene to ask for anything more, and at this point I cannot complain if such requests are denied by life. But it would be such a gift to experience yet another special moment. Way up north, watching the ships pass by, I made a conscious decision to fully appreciate any additional sacred and holy moments that I am privileged to witness. Each day that I wake up, I plan to be watching…

to see what’s going to happen.

Rain or Shine

I remember that it was a driving rain, not the occasional sprinkle that SoCal folks like to call rain. It was the sort of rain that I normally wouldn’t run in, but I did that day simply because it was my last chance and others expected me there. What I did not know was that my regular running buddies had invited others, just for me, and it warmed my heart when ten friends showed up to run “The Strand” with me in the driving rain.

I discovered The Strand way back in 2010 when I resumed running after a twenty-plus year rest stop. Back then, I wanted to move beyond running circles on a track but needed somewhere flat, which wasn’t too easy to find around Malibu, and a friend told me about a special place where she did her marathon training. I checked it out and fell in love instantly. In the early days I ran alone, but eventually my friend, Jeff, tagged in, and before long we had a beautiful variety of folks along for the run, and I loved it. That final run in early 2019 was special to me, posing for a picture with ten great friends, all smiling and soaked to the bone, there as a sweet gift to me.

I suppose that I thought I might run it again someday. We left a daughter in California in 2019, so I knew that we would visit, and I probably thought that I would have a chance to run it again. But I could not have anticipated the curves in the road of life over the past five years, and by the time we made the surprising decision to move back in early 2023, due to back trouble, I wasn’t sure that I would even run again, much less on The Strand.

But today, I did. Six glorious miles, nearly five years later. Maybe Mother Nature is nostalgic because it almost rained me out, but the sun popped out like a giant surprise just as I took off, and I dodged the flooded parts of the path as I ran down memory lane.

To be candid, I had decided that it would be okay if I never ran again, including The Strand. Aging and injuries help readjust your expectations of life. But I felt wistful every time I drove by and kept the goal in mind, and I am glad that I had a chance to do something that was special to me—again. I know enough now to admit that I might run it hundreds more times, or never again, and either way is okay. But I guarantee you that I will appreciate each opportunity, should they arise.

As I ran, I remembered a lovely poem from a dark poet, Raymond Carver, who expressed his desire to go down to the ocean and see the sights one more time, at least. He wrote:

I hate to seem greedy—I have so much
to be thankful for already.
But I want to get up early one more morning, at least.

And go to my place with some coffee and wait.
Just wait, to see what’s going to happen.

Exactly. I hate to seem greedy, too, but my posture will also be facing forward, hoping for the chance to go to my favorite running place one more time, at least – rain or shine.

Down But Not Out

communicatorsinset

“We’ve sustained damage, but we’re still able
to maneuver.” Spock to Captain Kirk.
– Raymond Carver¹

I didn’t get all the cool toys growing up as a relatively poor kid in the 1970s, but I was the proud owner of a set of Star Trek Communicators (pictured above).  Those handy-dandy devices possessed a walkie-talkie feature that kids loved along with a piercing distress siren that brought special joy to the parents.  I credit these walkie-talkies with my natural coolness during the Flip Phone Craze at the end of the twentieth century.

The primary challenge with my Star Trek Communicators was that I had no childhood friends living nearby since we lived on a block primarily populated by widows, and lack of friends tends to lower the value of walkie-talkies.  I mean, there is a certain measure of fun in speaking into a device held in your right hand and hearing your crackly voice come out of a separate device held in your left hand, but to be honest, that level of fun is actually pretty low.

So despite my parents’ financial sacrifice and super cool gift, I am not a Trekkie.

But I think Mr. Spock’s statement to Captain Kirk that Ray Carver thought worth writing down on a scrap piece of paper and sticking in his bathrobe pocket is possibly one of the best life quotes ever: “We’ve sustained damage, but we’re still able to maneuver.”

The last few weeks have been rough for many people I know with death and disease landing severe body blows in this championship bout called life, not to mention an entire nation already a little punch-drunk pausing to remember the awful attacks by al-Qaeda fifteen years ago.  That we have sustained damage is sometimes more obvious than others.  But are we still able to maneuver?

Life is a teensy bit unpredictable, but the potential for damage is not, so the outstanding question is what to do afterward.  I suggest hiring a pointy-eared, human-Vulcan first officer to do a little once-over to determine what is still functional and then carry on your captivating adventure into the great unknown.  To live long and prosper, as best you can.

Or, if you want, give me a shout on the walkie-talkie.

————————————————————————–

¹ Excerpted from His Bathrobe Pockets Stuffed with Notes by Raymond Carver, in A New Path to the Waterfall (1989).

Work Ethic

Remember Haydn’s 104 symphonies.  Not all of them
were great.  But there were 104 of them.
– Raymond Carver¹

Americans have a reputation for being workaholics.  This makes me feel patriotic.  It is Labor Day, presumably a day off from work in honor of work, yet I am eager to get some work completed today free from meetings and the steady onslaught of email.  I may have a problem.

The term “work ethic” implies that there is some moral element to work, a right and a wrong if you will, and I’m not exactly sure who has cornered the market on figuring that out.  I’m pretty sure that it isn’t me.

A couple years back Pepperdine Law hosted a lunchtime presentation featuring Lieutenant General Flora D. Darpino, the thirty-ninth Judge Advocate General (“JAG”) of the United States Army, and the first female to hold that prestigious post.  From her impressive presentation, what stuck with me most was her dislike for the phrase “work-life balance”—an implication that (a) work and life are mutually exclusive; and (b) navigating the two involves walking a precarious tightrope.  Lt. Gen. Darpino argued that we just have “life” and that work is simply one of its many components.  I liked that a lot.

I like work.  So much that I do too much of it sometimes.  The idea of retirement, with no disrespect for those who enjoy it nor to those who long for it, never has appealed to me.  I want to keep contributing to this old world as long as possible.  To be productive.  To create.

I’ll write about the need to rest on some other day, but today, in honor of Labor Day, I celebrate work.  May those of us blessed to have it do it well.


¹ Excerpted from His Bathrobe Pockets Stuffed with Notes by Raymond Carver, in A New Path to the Waterfall (1989).

Step Back In

I doubt many tune into my blog to read a cool poem and reflect on its deep meaning, but just in case anyone else in this station wagon has ever messed up, reflected on an irretrievable life, and decided that the opportunity to carry on is too precious to stay away, this Raymond Carver poem is worth it.

Locking Yourself Out,
Then Trying to Get Back In

By Raymond Carver

You simply go out and shut the door
without thinking. And when you look back
at what you’ve done
it’s too late. If this sounds
like the story of a life, okay.

It was raining. The neighbors who had
a key were away. I tried and tried
the lower windows. Stared
inside the sofa, plants, the table
and chairs, the stereo set-up.
My coffee cup and ashtrays waited for me
on the glass-topped table, and my heart
went out to them. I said, Hello, friends,
or something like that. After all,
this wasn’t so bad.
Worse things had happened. This
was even a little funny. I found the ladder.
Took that and leaned it against the house.
Then climbed in the rain to the deck,
swung myself over the railing
and tried the door. Which was locked,
of course. But I looked in just the same
at my desk, some papers, and my chair.
This was the window on the other side
of the desk where I’d raise my eyes
and stare out when I sat at that desk.
This is not like downstairs, I thought.
This is something else.

And it was something to look in like that, unseen,
from the deck. To be there, inside, and not be there.
I don’t even think I can talk about it.
I brought my face close to the glass
and imagined myself inside,
sitting at the desk. Looking up
from my work now and again.
Thinking about some other place
and some other time.
The people I had loved then.

I stood there for a minute in the rain.
Considering myself to be the luckiest of men.
Even though a wave of grief passed through me.
Even though I felt violently ashamed
of the injury I’d done back then.
I bashed that beautiful window.
And stepped back in.

“Locking Yourself Out, Then Trying to Get Back In,” by Raymond Carver, from Where Water Comes Together With Other Water (Vintage Books).

One More Day to Discover

Today, I share my favorite poem of all time, “At Least” by Raymond Carver. It is a poem filled with life, thankfulness, and anticipation.

At Least – by Raymond Carver
I want to get up early one more morning,
before sunrise. Before the birds, even.
I want to throw cold water on my face
and be at my work table
when the sky lightens and smoke
begins to rise from the chimneys
of the other houses.
I want to see the waves break
on this rocky beach, not just hear them
break as I did all night in my sleep.
I want to see again the ships
that pass through the Straits from every
seafaring country in the world –
old, dirty freighters just barely moving along,
and the swift new cargo vessels
painted every color under the sun
that cut the water as they pass.
I want to keep an eye out for them.
And for the little boat that plies
the water between the ships
and the pilot station near the lighthouse.
I want to see them take a man off the ship
and put another up on board.
I want to spend the day watching this happen
and reach my own conclusions.
I hate to seem greedy – I have so much
to be thankful for already.
But I want to get up early one more morning, at least.
And go to my place with some coffee and wait.
Just wait, to see what’s going to happen.